Atelier Diva: Work, Play, Love
A New Flavour of Intimacy
January 19, 2022 COMMENT comment
By Nivedita B
Perhaps one of the most striking things about adult life is the realisation that even the most exciting part of your life will settle down to become 'regular'. Your job, which was once your passion, assumes a routine but reassuring regularity, and the challenges and surprises it throws up don't ruffle you as they did earlier. Most things that you aspired for stop appearing larger-than-life from up close. Perhaps the only turbulence you may experience could be from your children who are growing up and exploring the world as different people each new day. Overall, life feels good and the routine brings comfort.

But not when it creeps into your sex life! That is something we expect will continue to sizzle even as we have begun to slow down. Agreed, you don't expect to ride on the tidal wave of romantic love you felt in the
first few months, or if you've been lucky, first few years of your marriage. But that does not mean that you cannot resurrect your sex life into something that can keep pumping the feel-good endorphins into your system! As well-known psychiatrist, couple counsellor and author of The 50-50 Marriage: Return to Intimacy, Dr Vijay Nagaswami says, "Romantic love gets people together; it is intense, but it always dies. If you look at the neurochemistry of romantic love, chemicals in your brain called phenyl-ethylamines keep you on a high." This is why romantic love is often equated to an addiction.

But even if romantic love dies down, it does not mean the magic has to go. "If we get our marriage right, romantic love gets replaced by intimate or nurturing love," he adds. In his opinion, the fact that today couples are a lot more demanding is a good thing as well. "They are shaking up the institution of marriage, and I think the institution needs a bit of a shake up. Younger people today want to enhance their communication," he says. There is far greater sexual awareness and comfort. While in the past a woman's point of view was rarely considered, economic emancipation has meant women are a lot more empowered. So if the flame in your relationship has died over the years when you've been busy juggling a life with your spouse, children, work demands and taking on a fair share of running the house, here are some ways to put some sparkle back into your sex life.

Create intimate moments
The first casualty of a relationship going awry is often intimacy. Remember those little glances and moments you stole that kept you wanting more? Well, revive it, one hickey step at a time. The trick is to be sensual before sexual. Improve your communication, speak, write, plan dates, leave little notes or surprise him with a naughty little gift the two of you can open and enjoy together. Bring back the intimacy by way of touch, in public or private, and don’t miss an opportunity to hold hands, pull close, kiss and tell.

Plan and fantasise
Yup, go ahead, think of the most bizarre thing you want to do with your partner, and share it with him. Just talking about it might help you get over your inhibitions, and leave you both turned-on. Arousal also lies in the anticipation, so let yours rub off on him. Send messages to your partner telling him how much you’re looking forward to being with him.

No, you’re never too old to want or ask for more. You know what you like, so all it takes is speaking out. Your partner might be thrilled by the new flavour you've just lent by making yourself heard, and he may in turn, share his fantasies with you. Add a 'bold' to the big O.

Now that you've found the voice to amp up the energy of your bedroom, change the rules. Do something you thought was the fantasy of curious adolescents or well, the sixties’ hippy. Be bold and bring along flavoured condoms, vibrators, dildos or any equipment that you think will bring the laughs and yay yays.

Make time for sex
Just like you fend off work and other issues from eating into your 'me-time', treat your 'ustime' as precious. Sex is not measured in how many orgasms you achieve, nor is it about how you performed. It is that comfortable space you find between the two of you, an equation whose variables are purely your own. So give it time, relax, laugh, have fun and enjoy the companionship moment together.

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